Grief in children – how to help a child cope with death

0–3 years feel the atmosphere: they need familiar routines, physical closeness and calm faces. 4–6 years think magically – they may believe their thoughts caused the death; be very concrete. 7–11 years understand the finality but worry about their own body and their surviving parent. 12–18 years ask existential questions, may withdraw and often express grief as anger or irritability. Each stage needs different words but the same reliable presence.

Avoid euphemisms like "gone to sleep" or "lost" – young children take them literally and may then fear their own bedtime. Say died and dead. Explain in one or two short sentences what happened. Let the child ask the same question dozens of times; each repetition helps the truth settle. Older children often want facts (illness, timeline); teenagers may prefer to talk to a peer or a counsellor rather than a parent. The Wegbegleiter app (wegbegleiterapp.com) has age-appropriate scripts written by grief counsellors.

The current professional consensus: yes, if the child is informed and freely chooses to. Explain in advance what they will see, hear and smell, and give them a role if they want one (a candle, a drawing to place). Bring a trusted adult who is not overwhelmed by their own grief, so they can leave the ceremony with the child at any moment. Never force a child to attend – but also never exclude them without asking.

Tell the school within days: teachers can watch for withdrawal, aggression or unexplained tummy aches, all normal grief signs. Keep routines around meals and bedtime steady, even when adult life falls apart – children read predictability as safety. Physical activity, art and time in nature all help discharge grief when words are too hard. Expect regressions (bed-wetting, thumb-sucking) for a few weeks; they usually resolve on their own.

Consult a paediatrician, family doctor or child psychologist if after three to six months the child still shows: persistent nightmares or panic, refusal to go to school, self-harm, sustained aggression, or complete withdrawal from friends. Bereavement associations across Europe offer free peer groups for grieving children – ask your GP or search 'child bereavement' plus your city.

Look after yourself first – children take their cues from you. Accept help with meals, laundry, transport. Speak about the person who died: mention their name, tell stories, keep photos visible. Mark anniversaries in advance so the child is prepared. The Wegbegleiter app (wegbegleiterapp.com) offers a printable memory booklet for children and a shared family diary. Find both at wegbegleiterapp.com.